Supposed to be in Her word but I can’t get him off of my mind. If She placed him inside of my heart, then to fight this feeling would be disobedience. I don’t have a fighting, bratty bone inside of my body anymore. Soften my heart and open my ears, please. Is this Your way of teaching me how to submit?
To You, of course, and maybe one day to a man like him.
I hear Her as I write this. These words are petitions to the Creator, never an empty threat. She’s telling my heart to slow down, just to bask in the moment. Sometimes I need reminders that what I know to be well exists. Maybe it’s a reset, this reminder to keep my chin up and eyes forward so I don’t miss what I know one day will be mine. Nothing done is without intention, you know? What lesson am I in need of? What reminder do I need seared onto my brain?
At this moment, reinforcement feels so damn good.
I felt fourteen again. I sometimes couldn’t form the words, afraid to say the wrong thing. Body curled up under the covers damn near soiled from the steam coming from my body. That-dammit-why-is-he-states-and-not-just-stoplights-away? feeling. Hearing safety just through the tone of his voice. Knowing that it was divinely ordered for him and I to meet.
Whatever this may be, whatever path this takes, whatever hazards I need to cross in order to keep going … I don’t want to lose it.
I hear Her again as I write this: calm down, baby girl. Feelings fade. Honeymoon periods are just that. Human beings are weird. Flawed, complex creatures. It’s been so long. You forgot what this felt like. Your pants are on fire, bring down the heat. Touch grass, smell the roses. The last time this happened, you thought you scared someone away. Spiraled. Talked down on yourself, ripped yourself to shreds. I walked you back from the edge of a cliff.
Ain’t no such thing as coincidences. Just divine timing.
ciara roslyn-james 