float.

Float. 

Float into your loneliness, Sis. 

Drown.

It’s allowing you to see that you’re peering out toward a shore littered with the wrong things. 

In the world, in people, in yourself. 

Your existence isn’t an indictment. 

The problem you have at this moment is that you simply just want to be tolerated by someone. Tolerance isn’t a pretty thing. It reeks of hoping to be put up with because, if left to their own devices, they would see all the wrong that exists within you. The world is full of people with idiosyncrasies, with things that make their own souls wretch.  Give yourself some grace. The world is indeed full of others drowning in the sea of their own makings and happenings. Give them grace. It ain’t intentional. 

What are you looking for in community? Was it ever about feeling safe? What is safety? Are you safe? Are you … you? What is it about this season that calls you to change everything about who you are? Are you running from the person you created in order to survive? Do you not like her because she isn’t cool enough or agreeable enough or wanted enough or desired enough? Or are you tired of living as a person who wore the make-up of her trauma for damn near a decade and forgot about what it would be to live through that drama but not stuck?

Through the waters, through the rivers, through the fires. Not stuck. Through. 

You won’t drown nor be burned in this journey of renewed self-discovery. Living in the present, not living through your past. You aren’t just the girl dragged to a sleepy city by forces not then known – through the death and resurrection of the flesh-breathed body of your Creator. You weren’t just a girl trying to survive in places where it felt as if no one knew you. Where you regressed into a teenager trying to find her way through the hallways without being judged and picked on. 

You’re thirty-six now. You were twenty-five then. Then thirty. Then thirty-three. You hit your so-called ‘Jesus year’ during a time when the entire world shut down. So did you. It gave you a moment to see what life would be like if you took care of self and got out of your own way. Then life picked back up. Knocked on your door like the reaper collected bodies for heaven’s newest class. Except it was hell and your body couldn’t handle it anymore. You finally crashed and burned. 

You burned bridges. You left the pathways to the places that wanted so bad to be a refuge for you in dust and ruin. Never again will they give someone a chance. 

Sis, you’re not that powerful. And grace was – and is – sufficient. They know you’re hurt. 

Do you know you’re hurt? Is that why you’re seeking out acknowledgement in the places that you need a break from? The algorithm and timeline isn’t real. These parasocial relationships cannot save you. Only the Creator can save you by saving you from yourself. That’s why you need to disappear. You needed a reminder. 

Feel the waves of your loneliness. They won’t last long.