“you should know…”

Jesus, 

I’m conflicted. You meet people in seasons and phases, times when they may not be up to their best self. Sometimes you’re inflicted by their worst selves, by people that they’d probably apologize for if they had the chance to do so. People met me as my worst self. I often wonder how those I hurt feel about me. I’m sure I’m the scum of the world to them. I’ve earned that label, I don’t fight it. 

I just. You took a child home to meet his father. A child who I knew for a brief but impactful time. I wrote on IG about the beautiful beginnings, that damn date right outside of the city. That moment and the hotel escapades that followed. Us getting in a fight and me asking my Dad about how to fix it. I ain’t talk about dudes with my Dad at all. That was a first. I kinda felt like I blew it because I accused him of not trying to be down with me. He got offended by that. I knew I goofed. We patched things up but still. 

I also remember the ugliness of it all. Once baby moms rolled through, it all stopped. When I made the decision to step back and give space — I didn’t return calls, I ignored tweets, I ghosted — shit got buck. He reached after my Dad went into the hospital. I doubted how much he wanted to be down because as soon as I thought things were good, he ghosted me. Fair is fair in love and war. 

I then got called out of my name a lot. Publicly. All because I dipped. Internet harassment was a new one for me. I ain’t ever roll over someone so much that they felt obligated to go at my neck at every turn. 

“I know things didn’t end peacefully but I figured you should know…” 

I’m never going to know why he did what he did to me. Or what I did to incur such heat. This is a lesson in forgiveness and grace that I need hammered home. 

I’m also tired that dudes held in such high regard were dicks to me. I didn’t deserve to date dicks. That’s an ordained move on Your part? 

“I hold no beef. All I could think about were his sons.” 39 is too damn young.