the back road.

You’ve been the subject of all my desires and detriment. I read back on the things I wrote about you: how I wanted to move on from you and I, from us. How I wanted to heal from you, how I wanted to choose the Creator over you. That I was done, we were done. I wanted to be released from what we created. This thing is no longer my project to manage. 

Yet the other night I felt like I wanted to try this again. 

I leveled off a text saying that I “love you” after it was all over. I do believe that. I love you even to the core of who I am: a fucking wreck. 

You’re meeting me in a moment where I am walking a line towards my own destruction. Everything is setting me up to fail even though I keep asking the Creator to save me from my demise. I know She knows I’m hurting right now, disillusioned and afraid. She knows that I am Her child full of pain. I hate who I am, hate where I am. Hate where I reside in this world. I want out. I need to get out. 

I’m quitting it all. I’m done. 

But you? I can’t quit you. 

You heard my voice. I sounded “weary”. You were the first person to notice my wretched soul. I’ve been hiding from everyone else in order for them to not see me at what feels like the lowest point in my life. That’s all I needed to release the guard I’ve created for myself to keep me away from you. 

I missed your voice. I needed to hear your voice. You speak to the girl within me who wants to be seen. I told you that I hate to disappoint you. Somehow you validate my existence as a human being. If you want me, then I’m as good as gold. I don’t understand why you still have that type of hold on me. 

Don’t ever release me ever again in your life. 

We talked about the last night when we saw each other. You apologized for what you did. For not seeing me hurt. Like it was your job. I never asked for you to do that. I just operated on hope that you would. You saw it but chose to not do anything. Again, like it’s your job. So I sank into a drunken haze and gave you what I thought you wanted. And snapped out of it once the Creator had enough of me cosplaying as the power and principalities who dragged me to where you were. 

I wanna snap out of this. I want the moments I’ve had in the past where the gusts of the Holy Spirit toss into the ocean to bathe away the sins of trying to make this work. It worked last night.