Dead This

You would’ve thought somebody died if you looked at me. I felt my entire heart flatline in an instant and couldn’t recover. I took myself out for some ice cream and it didn’t help; it actually made me feel even more pathetic about my emotions seemingly careening into each other. I thought my world was over. Over something that hasn’t existed that long to be felt that deep.

When you don’t experience something good for a very long time (or in my case, never), it feels like a shot of dopamine, this high you’ve never felt. “So this is what this feels like…” and it feels so damn good. You don’t want the feeling to go away. So when you go in for your hit and it misses you completely, the downer is real. I felt the most down I’ve ever felt in my life.

I told someone that I felt so embarrassed because what I felt the last time I got high off of this moment was something that alluded me since I’ve been able to achieve such a moment. It’s funny because I told myself in the beginning of this journey to give myself space because I wasn’t in the space to handle what was given to me. But as soon as that moment met me in a better space, I fell hard. This week I fell on my face.

I tried to achieve what I wanted and it was denied to me. I sat at work wondering why. I felt myself compromising what I know, how I feel and what God wants for me to do just so I could get one more chance to touch the sky. Chasing highs is so dangerous because when you don’t win, you do whatever it takes to feel that feeling again. Even if you cheat to get there.

Cheating has been my way for years. In the moment, it feels so good. Only you know what it takes to make your head spin, to get you to see the stars. I’m still trying to reconcile if my cheat code is okay. In ways, it keps me from doing something beyond comprehension. It other ways, it doesn’t fix the problem, acting as a band-aid. But I love to treat my own wounds. I know the best way to heal.

The truth is that while I want for God to dead this, I think I really want for God to dead the side effects of what I feel and to bring me back to the reality of it all. To school me on what this truly is so I can get out of my head and away from my feelings. I hate the way that I feel. I feel like all the work I’ve done to not want to taste this high again has gone right out the window because it feels so good. It’s the closest thing I’ve got to the real thing. It’s right in my face. I’m the amateur surgeon; my solution, that high, is the anesthesiologist, nurse, surgeon and post-op. It’s the cure.

I want to go back to a life when all of this didn’t matter. When I worried about better things. My mind, heart and soul are all jacked up and I hate how I feel. I need God to dead this for my sanity.

It’ll hurt like hell though. So please ignore my request.